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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

October 16, 1992

Older is better

Cornelius Utz catches up on gay life, shows art

by Kevin Beaney

Much of the gay community's energy revolves around issues that affect people in the younger or middle age ranges. What kind of gay life can you have after 60, or 70, much less 80?

Well, to hear the story of Cornelius Utz, you'd think gay life was just beginning to warm up as an octogenarian.

Through most of his life, Utz followed traditional expectations; but he always had a little secret. "As a young man [born and schooled in Missouri] I was upset and ashamed of my same-sex preference. I liked girls but I also liked boys. I went through college carrying this burden . . .”

He first planned to teach history after earning an M.A., but because of the Depression his career shifted. He obtained a fellowship at a school for social work, and later another M.A., and settled into a social work career until retirement.

Because homosexuality was considered a psychological illness, Utz suffered considerable anxiety and felt family pressure to get married. That did not stop him from maintaining two gay relationships over "long periods of time. I fooled myself, however, because I was fairly passive in each relationship, being acted upon rather than acting...In this behavior I fooled myself into thinking my problem was not so bad...Passive, I felt less homosexual."

Utz finally sought help through psychoanalysis to cure his "problem." While the analysis helped him personally and professionally as a counselor, he did not give up liking sex with men. During these years, Utz met the woman who became his wife. Ultimately they had two children, and later grandchildren. Even though he had a virile sex life with her, it did not satisfy his urge. For many years he continued to have one night stands with men, after he had imbibed enough to overcome his inhibitions.

Utz continued to wrestle with his feelings. By the time his children were adolescents, he was smoking and drinking heavily, was under stress at work, had high blood pressure, and a deteriorating sex life with his wife. Physical warning signs in 1970 convinced him to quit smoking and, a year later, stop drinking.

To keep his nervous hands busy he took up handicraft weaving. This hobby developed into an art form which today includes needlelace, macrame, tapestry, batik, and Japanese dyeing techniques. His work has been on display at the Cleveland Museum of Art and the BP America building.

Even after his wife's death in 1978, Utz's coming out process was slow in happening. During his frequent visits to the baths in Cleveland he finally saw a notice about a meeting of Integrity (the Episcopal gay support group). That meeting introduced him to the gay community that was more than simply anonymous, urgent sex.

After finding out about Integrity, the following June Utz went to the annual meeting of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). (He has been a member of the First Unitarian Church of Cleveland since 1955.) At the meeting he connected with the Unitarian Universalists for Lesbian and Gay Concerns. Now he "found friends with whom I could speak openly and freely."

It was at the 1986 UUA annual meeting in San Diego, that Utz "felt loved enough" and formally decided to come out. As he said, "If after I tell them, they're not still my friends, they never were my friends.” He was 77 years old at the time.

Cornelius Utz at his retrospective, with some of his artwork.

dearly loved his wife throughout their time together. While having a serious relationship or sex with a woman is a possibility, at the moment it's unlikely, being caught up in the friendship of many wonderful gay

men.

Utz has attended the Gayla Men's Conference in Ferry Beach, Mass. (a UUA conference center) every summer since 1986. He remains active in his church, currently serving as a board member and on the task force to reduce homophobia.

His nude photo was published in Chiron Rising, a magazine for older gay men and their admirers and he received correspondence and visits from several younger admirers as a result.

Recently his coming out story was published as a chapter in the book Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out (edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu; Alyson Publications, 1991). Its title is "93 people = 100% acceptance," referring to the fact that he came out to 93 people before Utz considers himself bisexual, having he stopped keeping track, and they alles

Shortly after that, not only did he complete his coming out process, he launched into gay life with an incredible energy. It also helped his hobby. "The more open I was about myself, the less restricted I felt artistically," Utz noted.

Photo by Kevin Beaney

accepted him. ("Now I wonder what I worried about," he remarked.)

As a weaver and macrame artist Utz explained that the most difficult part of the process is settling on a design. He has found most inspiration through children's drawings and ideas. A story and a drawing from a grandson was enough to start the creation of "Carson's Dinosaur," an intricate needlelace and needle weaving that took six years to complete. Needlelace has no contact with backing or other material, nor is the pattern dictated by spindles.

He learned tapestry and other fiber art through college courses and lived with a master weaver in England to perfect 3-D weaving. While on a weaving tour of Japan he saw tie-dyed preparation of silk and cotton in dye pots, a process called "shibori," and learned the technique.

With an active social life, including serious games of bridge, and a respectable body of artistic work, 83-year-old Cornelius

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